The Conscious Dating Playbook: Setting Standards, Non-Negotiables, and More

Well, folks, here we are—January is almost over. Blink, and this year will have flown by faster than you can say “New Year’s Resolution.” While we’re still riding the tail end of the new year, reflecting on our goals and dreams, let’s talk about something that might just set the tone for your entire year—conscious dating. And no, I don’t mean swiping mindlessly on dating apps while binge-watching Netflix. I mean dating with intention, clarity, and, yes, a little self-awareness.

As a psychotherapist, I've helped many clients sift through their dating lives, and today I’m going to walk you through the essential elements that shape a successful, conscious approach to love. We’re talking about standards, non-negotiables, values, and requirements—let’s break it down.

1. Standards: Your Dating Blueprint (Not a Rigid List)

First things first, let’s clear up a little confusion: standards are not non-negotiables. They’re not set in stone, but they are the foundation for what you consider normal when dating. Think of them like your personal dating blueprint—your go-to behaviors and expectations that guide you when you’re navigating the world of online swiping and real-life connections.

For example, maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to meet someone face-to-face within two weeks of connecting on an app, or maybe you prefer a quick FaceTime call before agreeing to dinner. These behaviors are like your dating preferences—things that would make your experience feel comfortable and aligned with what you value.

However, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Let’s say it’s been two weeks, you’re really vibing with someone, but they have to go away on business. If you bail just because they didn’t meet your timeline—well, that’s cutting off potential before it even had a chance to grow. Standards are there to guide you, but they shouldn’t be so rigid that you close yourself off from real possibilities.

2. Non-Negotiables: Deal Breakers or No-Go Zones

Now, here’s where the rubber meets the road. Non-negotiables are non-negotiable. These are the core traits or behaviors that, if present, will make you swipe left faster than you can say “not my type.” We’re talking about the stuff that, for you, just cannot be overlooked.

Are you planning to have kids? If so, then dating someone who doesn’t want children is a hard pass. If smoking is a deal-breaker for you, then it doesn’t matter how good the chemistry is—nope. Your non-negotiables should be a short list, but powerful—things that will help you avoid wasting time and energy on relationships that don’t align with your life goals.

Now, don’t go overboard and turn this into a laundry list that no one could ever meet. The goal is to focus on the key things that matter most to you, not every little thing that could be a mild inconvenience.

3. Values: What’s Really Important to You?

To figure out what values truly resonate with you, look at what really ruffles your feathers. What makes your blood boil? And, perhaps more importantly, what is the opposite of that?

Let’s say you get fired up when someone stiffs the bill at dinner. That could mean generosity is one of your core values. Or maybe you're the kind of person who hates it when someone beats around the bush. If so, honesty and directness are probably non-negotiable in your relationships.

Couples who thrive over the long term tend to share similar values. Why? Because shared values reduce friction and pave the way for harmony. But don’t sweat it—opposing values don’t automatically doom your relationship. A little contrast can lead to growth and new perspectives. But if those values are at odds with each other, brace yourself for some bumpy roads.

4. Requirements: The “Will I Commit?” Checklist

Alright, now for the big question: Is this person good enough for me to commit to? This is where we leave the chemistry and physical attraction behind and focus on the foundational qualities that make a relationship sustainable. This is what I like to call the "3-Date Minimum" for exploring a relationship.

Dating requirements aren’t something you need to think about on the first date. Instead, they come into play after you've been seeing someone for a while—let's say around the third date (or more). By then, you’ve had enough time to assess if this person is a potential partner for the long haul.

Consider: Is this relationship sexually fulfilling? Is this person emotionally available? Can they support my personal goals? Do we have good communication? Personally, I once dated a guy who I saw every week—but he never said "goodnight" or "good morning." That just wasn’t enough consistency for me. Your requirements should be the benchmarks that help you decide if this person is someone you can envision building a lasting relationship with.

To Wrap It Up: What’s Your Dating DNA?

Here’s the thing—dating consciously means you’re not just looking for sparks and butterflies. It’s about understanding your own needs and values so you can build a healthy, long-term connection. So, let’s get clear: what are your standards, non-negotiables, and values?

Are you someone who values honesty and direct communication? Or maybe generosity and adventure are your top traits? Comment below with your thoughts or share this with a friend who could use a little clarity in their dating life.

And, hey, if you’re still feeling unsure about your dating requirements, don’t hesitate to book a consult with me. Let’s figure this out together, so you can approach dating with confidence—and not just some wishful thinking about finding “the one.” Because conscious dating? That’s how you find the right one.

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