Wow, January is nearly over. I would not be surprised if 2022 flies by just as fast as 2021. While we are still on January and examining our new year goals and dreams, I want to talk to you about some elements of dating consciously and what those would look like. So, let’s take a look at some of the work I do with my clients when it comes to dating requirements, standards, non-negotiables, and values.
I like to view standards as behaviors that should be normal for you to expect when it comes to dating. These are not as rigid, or defined as non-negotiables, but should be something you view as a blueprint when you are out there going on dates. These behaviors look like “I like to meet a guy within two weeks of us connecting on an app and interacting” or “I like to have a FaceTime call before I have dinner with this gentleman”. In essence, these a preferable behaviors of how the dating can go. But for example, if you are talking to an interesting person, it’s been two weeks, and they are going away on business, we are not going to walk away from a situation that in this case, could be full of possibilities.
Your non negotiables are the behaviors or traits you will not tolerate in a relationship. If you are certain you want children, then dating a person who is certain they don’t should be a non-negotiable. That is if you are dating for commitment. If a smoker is 100% a no-go, this would be another non-negotiable as well. If you know yourself very well (which, how many of us do?) and you know you can't tolerate a slob, well, I will let you add this to your list too. Your non-negotiables shouldn’t be an extensive list that repels everyone away but instead, it should be a list of key items that you will not consider.
The best way to figure out what our values really are is to do some reflection as to what ruffles our feathers the most and consider the opposite. For example, does it really bother you when someone stiff’s the bill? Then, perhaps generosity is one of your values. Do you get aggravated when someone isn’t telling the truth or beating around the bush? Then consider honesty or directness as one of your top values. Couples that sustain typically share similar values. These reduce conflict and allow for harmony (which could be another value). Don’t fret, as you don’t need to have the same values to be in a relationship. Some differences in values could allow for some expansiveness in our romantic lives and self-development. However, opposing values, can generate some conflict and cause rocky roads.
I know what you’re thinking, isn’t requirements the same things as standards or non-negotiables? They can be. But, that’s not what I mean. The way I want my readers and clients to approach dating requirements is to start examining these once you are in a groove of dating someone (3 dates or more). These will be the things that make us decide to commit to this person. Is this relationship sexually fulfilling? Is this partner emotionally available? Is this person able to support me in my goals? Could I picture us living together? Do we communicate in a way thats comfortable and enjoyable for me? I once dated a guy that I saw every week but never said goodnight or good morning to me. This was not comfortable for me and didn't give me the type of consistency I like in a relationship. Dating requirements are the measurements of whether or not this relationship will be sustainable. If we are new to dating, or new to being conscious while we are dating, this may be something we have to explore as we date different people. However, the approach should be: is the person good enough for me to commit to? And let’s leave chemistry and attraction out of this formula before it gets derailed.
What are some of your values? Your non-negotiables? Comment below or share with a friend who needs help figuring this stuff out. If you are uncertain, book a consult with me and we can examine this together!