When it comes to love and relationships, there are several terms we hear repeated such as chemistry, connection, infatuation and lust. Some of these words have positive associations, while some of them have negative connotations to them. I’d like to take the time to take a deeper look at these concepts and how they impact long term, sustainable relationships. My intent in doing so is not to create shame, but instead to raise awareness as to what may be holding us back from a long-lasting love. Keep in mind, this is just from my perspective, and from all the patterns I see people face in their relationships. Now let’s take a look:
Chemistry is that instant chemical connection you feel with somebody. This feeling works on the same receptors in our brain giving us that high. It feels lovely. It makes us feel alive. It’s exhilarating. However, this feeling clouds our judgment. It makes us feel like someone may be the one for us very early on when we haven’t had the time to decipher if they can meet our needs, match our values, and emotionally fulfill us in the long term. I am not saying chemistry is a bad thing but what I am saying is to be careful when we make chemistry be the primary motivator in our relationships.
Lust is that physical connection we have with another. It that feeling we get when we need to have someone physically. I like to differentiate lust from any other romantic phenomenon by the physicality being the only physical component.
Infatuation can mimic the feeling of love. It is when a person fills our mind constantly and we have a hard time not thinking of them. Chemistry with another person has the potential to create this in us. Often times infatuation occurs when we have a little or limited experience of the person that our mind fills the connection with fantasy and potential. Infatuation can be consuming and cause us to act out of character. This is another reason why I say to be careful with chemistry.
Connection is a slowly created, mutual attraction that occurs when we open up and share pieces of ourselves with another individual. This can be romantic or platonic. Connection is at the core of trust which are two elements that allow a healthy, nourishing connection to flourish. When I work with clients, I teach them how to lean in and create elements of connection with their counterparts. Connection has an intellectual component, as well as an emotional and physical component. Connection allows us to create a meaningful relationship, and when we pursue relationships with connection at the forefront, we have the capacity to create something beautiful.
Does this mean I am saying chemistry can’t create a healthy relationship? Absolutely not. Chemistry is beautiful. However, let’s look at chemistry as the whip cream on top and not the sundae. A healthy relationship can have lust, chemistry, and connection, but we can’t march forward into new connections on the basis of lust or chemistry because then we place ourselves into situations where we compromise ourselves and pay for it later. One of the most common phrases I hear people say is “I wasted my time with him or her”. Well, I am trying to prevent those words from coming out of your mouth. Even though I don’t believe anyone wastes our times.
What has your experience been with chemistry? Comment below. And if you need my help exploring this stuff together, you know where to find