Well, everyone. January is over. The alleged longest month of the year came and went. I swear I blinked on Christmas and here I am on January 31. If only I can blink to October (my favorite month again). Maybe, a short pitstop in May to celebrate my birthday. In any case, I thought I would take some common dating advice and myths and demonstrate how incorrect they are. Sometimes, I wonder if we say some of these things just to say them. Either way let's break these down, shall we?
“If I care less, I win.”
Whoever cares more loses, right? WRONG. If we catch ourselves in this game, then this isn’t a relationship of love but rather two egos going at it for the win. Love is tender and vulnerable, not two individuals armored up on a battlefield. Not to say egos don’t clash in relationships, but if this is our M.O, then we have some work to do. One of my favorite therapists, Dr. Venus Nicolino, says it perfectly: “whoever cares more, gets more!”
“Don’t reveal all your cards in the beginning.”
To create a true relationship built on trust and honesty we must strive to be authentic. Holding back parts of ourselves or disguising parts of ourselves does not facilitate this notion. Now, we all have had our hearts broken and endured different traumas, so revealing things slowly and pacing accordingly is different from pretending or wearing a mask. This is when we get into game playing, and while the lines could always get blurred, this is not where we want to be.
“I like to go with the flow.”
This is one phrase I hear all the time that I would just love to call bullsh*t on every single time it comes up. Logistically this makes no sense as when two people are engaging with one another there is always an initiator. An introduction, a suggestion of a plan, a text, call, all require someone to make a move and start something. Now, if you like others to take the lead, this makes more sense. But do you want a relationship where the other person is calling all the shots? That doesn’t sound too kosher to me..
“I know on the first date if I’m interested.”
Correction. You know on the first date if there’s sexual attraction, a spark or infatuation. Not necessarily a bad thing. But you are excluding a lot of contenders that can be a better long-term match based on personality attributes, morals, values, and lifestyles versus a primal urge going off in your brain. We are human beings and our brain capabilities are what allow us to evolve past other mammals. So, let's use our brains when we are selecting a mate.
“I need to wait to have sex.”
No, you need to know yourself well and do what works for you. There doesn’t need to be a formula but can be a moment or feeling. For me, I like to wait because I don’t feel good if the relationship doesn’t go any further after sex. But for you, you can thrive off this. This is something that’s individualized.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
This is the problem I have with this one: it’s drowned in cynicism. All relationships are risks. Marriages can divorce, spouses can cheat, engagements can end. If we always proceed with caution then we are waiting for the other foot to drop. How about you put the eggs in the one basket and if the basket falls and they all break, be certain more eggs will come. I like that approach better.
“It’ll happen when it happens.”
One of those phrases I think people say when they are scared they have nothing else to offer as a response. Yes, it will happen when it happens, but it will also happen when you’re very intentional on what you want and how you will get it. Also, it’ll happen when you are not grasping at the outcome and when your actions align with your purpose and intention.
“Relationships are about compromise.”
I recently heard this story about a gay man in his 60’s who was formerly married to a woman. He cheated on his wife with men constantly until they got divorced. In the last 5-7 years he found a partner that he lives with in which the sex has sizzled out of the relationship. He cheats on him to know. Why? Because he believes relationships are about compromise. So, he compromises his satisfaction & fulfillment and avoids living in his truth once again in order to stay with his partner and avoid being honest and seeking other options.
“Love cures all.”
The hopeless romantic in me wishes this was the case, but unfortunately love is not enough. Love is what fuels a commitment to start but it is our satisfaction, development, shared values, customs, and values that keep us involved with our partners ongoing. Love is amazing, but it’s not the be all, end all.
Do you have any dating advice that sucks? Anything make you cringe when you hear it? If you do share below. Or give me a comment, like, or share and let me know what you think about what I just discussed in this article.