The Communication Expectation: What We Want, But What Are We Actually Giving?

Ask anyone what they want to improve in their relationships, and I can guarantee you one of the top answers will be "communication." It’s like the golden ticket to healthier relationships, right? We all say we want more honesty, more transparency, more directness—but here’s the catch: How intentional are we about practicing what we preach? We want communication to be clear, but how often do we fall short of setting the example ourselves?

In my practice, I can’t tell you how many clients have told me, "I just want a relationship that's honest and direct." Yet, when it comes down to it, they have the hardest time being that for others. Honesty becomes this slippery concept, especially when it’s filtered through personal expectations and the intentions of the person delivering it. What one person calls honesty, the other person might call "too blunt" or "harsh." So what’s the magic solution? Oh, just a little thing I like to call authenticity.

Let’s face it: real, authentic, and fulfilling relationships require far more than just good intentions—they demand effort, clarity, and a willingness to show up consistently. We can’t ask others to meet our needs if we’re not doing the work ourselves. It’s a brutal truth: you can't expect someone else to be what you're not willing to be. So, if you want honesty, be honest. If you want respect, be respectful. We’re all just mirrors reflecting what’s projected at us, and if that reflection is foggy, don't be surprised when things get distorted.

This brings me to my favorite philosophy: “Nobody is wrong.” That doesn’t mean we keep doing things the same old way or keep avoiding the hard conversations. What it means is that we’re all doing the best we can with the emotional tools we have at the moment, and we need to evolve to grow into the kind of person and partner we want to be. This isn’t compromise—it’s foundational to sustainable relationships. If you’re coasting on “compromise,” chances are, you’re just sacrificing your happiness and calling it a solution.

Let’s be real, though. Time is NOT the magic ingredient for a sustainable relationship. I’ve seen people with 20 years of friendship under their belt, smiling at each other through clenched teeth, denying their true feelings just to keep the peace. But let me tell you, one blow-up over something small could bring that 20-year friendship crashing down in flames. And then there’s the loveless marriages—marriages where people stay together for the “right reasons” (whatever that means) or because they’re terrified of being seen as failures, sacrificing their own happiness to maintain an image. That's not a relationship, it's an arrangement.

So, here’s a thought: maybe we should stop glorifying "honesty" and start focusing on authenticity. There’s a difference. Honesty is about what you say; authenticity is about how you show up in a relationship. And, let’s be honest, authenticity is a lot harder.

We live in a world that’s increasingly disconnected. Research shows that loneliness is at an all-time high, with millions of people feeling emotionally isolated, even while surrounded by others. The crazy thing is, society tells us that emotional expression is a sign of weakness, or worse, immaturity. So, we bottle it up, thinking we’re being strong, when really, we’re just building walls around ourselves. But here’s the truth: our emotions are the driving force behind everything—our desires, our ambitions, our needs. If you can't be honest about what’s inside, what are you even doing in a relationship? How can anyone meet your needs if you haven’t been brave enough to express them?

When people come to me for coaching, there’s one question I always ask: "How prepared are you to get real with yourself?" And let me tell you, that question is met with silence more often than not. Realness is a foreign language in a world that demands perfection and instant gratification. But it’s time to stop dodging the work that’s needed.

So, what’s the moral of this story? Let’s stop hiding behind superficial “honesty” and start being authentic. Let’s stop waiting for the other person to be the first one to speak up, and instead, take the reins. Communicate what we really feel, express our needs, and—here’s a revolutionary thought—actually strive to meet their needs, too. By doing this, we open the doors to relationships that are deep, lasting, and—most importantly—real. If we can take the time to put in the work, we might just find ourselves on a path toward deeper connection, greater happiness, and a life of fulfillment.

So, let’s stop faking it and start showing up. After all, if you can’t be authentic, what’s the point?