Why are we attracted to mean people?

Ah, the allure of the mean girl—or in my case, the mean guy (because, let’s face it, I’ve seen my fair share of petty behavior in the gay male community too). Growing up, I was utterly captivated by movies like Mean Girls, Clueless, Jawbreaker, and Popular. Those high school dramas? A window into a world I was desperate to belong to, where the beautiful, "dominant" people seemed to have all the power. I spent far too many hours daydreaming about being in their circle, specifically with that one girl—the queen bee, the one who ruled with an iron fist and a perfectly curated smile. As it turns out, that fascination wasn’t about me wanting to be them—it was about wanting to be chosen by them.

But here’s the thing: I now realize the real question isn’t why we’re drawn to mean people—it’s why we allow ourselves to be drawn to them in the first place. And, more often than not, it all comes down to one thing: how we view ourselves. Or, more accurately, how we don’t view ourselves.

As humans, we’re conditioned to value ourselves through the eyes of others. Society has this beautiful little trick where, from the moment we start interacting with the world, we get hit with a steady stream of feedback. Parents, friends, media, even strangers—everyone has an opinion on how we should look, behave, and believe. And while this feedback can be helpful in small doses, it becomes dangerous when we start measuring our worth entirely through it. That teenage crush? The first rejection? All of it adds to our internal narrative of self-worth—or lack thereof.

Let me put it this way: when you’re feeling like something is missing—be it in love, friendship, status, or approval—you’re far more likely to gravitate toward people who seem to have it all. That mean person? They appear to have everything: confidence, power, a clique. But in reality, they are likely suffering from deep insecurity, wearing a shiny, albeit cracked, mask of fake self-esteem. They project confidence, but deep down, they’re terrified of not being seen as valuable or worthy. Their cruelty? It’s not an act of power—it’s an act of defense. They’re just as broken as anyone else, but they've learned to disguise it by putting others down.

Now, here’s the kicker: we often tolerate this behavior because we feel we’re not worthy of better. I’ve been there. As someone who has experienced the toxic dynamics of a “mean” friend group, I get it. I once thought I’d finally found my tribe—until I realized that tribe thrived on exclusion, gossip, and manipulation. These friendships weren’t about mutual respect; they were about controlling the narrative. I bought into it, thinking it was better than nothing. But here’s the truth: nothing can ever replace true connection. If you’re settling for a “group” that makes you feel small, you’re missing the point of human connection altogether.

So, why do we keep circling back to mean people? It’s simple: we don’t want to feel left out. Our fear of isolation often outweighs our need for genuine, healthy relationships. We mistake popularity for worthiness, and in doing so, we sacrifice our own peace.

But how do we stop the cycle?

Step 1: Pay attention to character—not popularity.What are you really attracted to in this person? What do you value in your friendships? If it’s only status and social clout, you're already in dangerous territory. I’ve been there—I’ve tolerated cruel behavior because I thought it’d give me access to “the right” people. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. You’ll feel worse, not better. Your friends should be chosen for their character, not their ability to make you feel like you’re part of something exclusive.

Step 2: Be friendly, but distant.Don’t lower yourself to their level. You don’t have to be rude or dismissive, but you also don’t have to buy into the drama. If you’ve found yourself caught in a cycle of negativity or manipulation, back off. Trust me, this isn’t about “being the bigger person”—this is about protecting your own emotional well-being. You can be kind, but you don’t have to play the game.

Step 3: Embrace true connection.It’s time to leave behind the scarcity mentality—the idea that only a select few can have meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Everybody gets a seat at the table. Build friendships based on respect, kindness, and shared values. The best relationships are the ones where you feel seen for who you truly are, not for how you can help prop up someone else’s fragile ego.

So, if you’re stuck in the loop of trying to please or gain validation from mean people, it’s time for a wake-up call. Relationships are supposed to build you up, not tear you down. If you need help breaking free of these toxic patterns, let’s talk. Together, we can work on a strategy to build authentic, life-giving connections that don’t require playing games or tolerating harmful behavior.

Celebrate yourself. Embrace your worth. You deserve better than to be anyone’s pawn in their petty little power play. And if you’re still not sure how to break free from the cycle, well, I’m here to help. Let’s create the social life you actually want, not the one you’re just willing to tolerate.

#meangirls #friendships #realfriends #meanpeople #friendshipcoach