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The Micro-attractions of Love

The definition of a micro-attraction is: "The understated moments and behaviors that make us realize someone is the kind of person we might want to spend a life with." This is the foundation of what makes a relationship sustainable for the long haul.

Commonly, people end up in relationships due to heightened chemistry, excitement, or passion. This stuff feels great, you feel alive. In fact, “chemistry” floods the same areas of the brain that mimic the effects of substances like cocaine.

Chemistry is a biological high that we exhibit in these states. It can make us forget who we are, what we stand for, and what we really need in a long-term relationship. This is unfortunate because with all these things compromised, the relationship is doomed for failure right after the chemistry wears off (which it will).

I know, many readers are reading this and questioning WTF am I talking about? Well, I differentiate chemistry versus connection. Chemistry is that chemical reaction fueled by passion and desire and an igniting of our sex hormones.

Connection is the stillness, that safety, the feeling of security of really knowing the person and swimming through the waves of intimacy. I wish I could say that connection is as exciting as chemistry (for me it is ), but connection leads to long-term commitments and sustaining relationships.

The marriages that go on for decades. These are those relationships where the couple always mentions how they “married their best friend”. Now, I am not saying that chemistry can’t turn into connection, because it can, but relationships fueled by chemistry with no real emotional intimacy will sizzle out.

Imagine the man that has four marriages under his belt. Go deep enough and you will see it’s not that he could not commit, rather he was chasing the chemistry. When that feeling dies out, that’s where the hard work begins.

Without emotional intimacy, the couple will not be equipped to endure these challenging times. A famous therapist once taught me the stages of a relationship: the honeymoon stage, the power struggle, and the mindful love.

Most relationships live and die in the power struggle phase. Without that emotional intimacy and strong connection, after the honeymoon stage, many individuals will deem it easier to leave the relationship than to fight for it.

So, what does micro-attractions have to do with this? Micro-attractions are heart openers. We need our hearts open so that we can be vulnerable and really show our partners are true, authentic selves.

These are the moments when you realize how your boyfriend leaves you a note before he leaves for work, or when he brings you a cup of coffee in the morning, or how he has the most adorable laugh you have ever heard and all you want to do is make him laugh and laugh again.

Want a long-term sustainable relationship? Then, be present, open your mind, open your heart and witness these beautiful moments and embrace them as they lead you to a life of love and happiness. And if all else fails, you know where to find me...

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